If there’s one thing I’ve devoted entirely too much time to it’s clarifications. My ongoing need to clarify misrepresentations has taken me down some disturbing roads, often leading me to guilt by association, even just on paper.
Nevertheless, as the 2016 election cycle limps to the barn, I find myself forced to once again explain some things. I know this won’t amount to much, but at the end of the day it’s those irritating inanities that that prove to be the most confounding. That’s why, while hearing that his cancer is rapidly advancing, Walter White is more caught up in the mustard stain on his doctor’s clothing.
For example, a lot of people will point to Donald Trump’s notable failed business ventures and include Trump: The Board Game. Yes, there was a board game based on Donald Trump and yes it flopped but it wasn’t a Donald Trump business venture- he was approached by Milton Bradley and granted them use of the Trump name for the product. It’s not like he was sitting in his office surrounded by his bevy of yes-men saying “I will make the best board game ever. Nobody knows more about board game design then me. We’re going to have the best people working on it. They tell me it’s great. And we’re going to build a wall around Catan- it’ll be beautiful.”
Similarly, the Alt-Right-in-the-head out there are having kittens over the recent revelation that John Podesta’s brother is BFF’s with legendary performance artist Marina Abramovic, who invited both to a “spirit cooking” at her home. All it took was a loud intake of breath from the crew over at the briefly relevant InfoWars for the Trump Trumpeters to begin turning double somersaults back to the good old days of the Satanic Panic. Yes that’s right- toss another dilithium crystal on the barbie Sherman because we’re setting the Wayback Machine for 1986. Hopefully we can get this article wrapped up in time to catch Maiden on the Powerslave Tour.
So what is a “spirit cooking?” Well, apparently the term comes from some sort of occult ritual but it was also the basis for a series of performance art pieces that Abramovic put on a few years back. So, of course, the Alt-Right goes into conniptions because now they’ve found IRREFUTABLE PROOF that Hillary Clinton is a practitioner of the occult as is the majority of the Democratic party.
Right?
RIGHT???????????
*Sigh* no, sadly the “spirit cooking” in question was just a formal dinner put together by Marina Abramovic as a reward for top level donors to her Kickstarter campaign. The name was just an inside reference for her more hardcore fans. And there’s nothing to suggest that Podesta was in attendance or even replied to the email invite sent by his brother. Seriously, Alt-Right, if this is a smoking gun then it’s only because you were using it as a bong.
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| Marina Abromavic |
Of course reality has never stopped the Alt-Right before and it won’t stop them now so the political movement that’s made shark jumping into an Olympic event has been rabidly posting photos of Abromavic’s Spirit Cooking performances- which feature goats heads, blood, nudity, mock human sacrifice and all sorts of other things the religious right considers profoundly unsmurfy.
It should come as no surprise that the crowd who thinks that the distribution of skin pigmentations is a good metric for national identity would also ascribe to the more committed branches of Christianity. Look, we’ve been down this road before and the number in my screen name should tell you where I fall on the religious spectrum but let’s review for a moment: central to Christian doctrine is the belief that a talking snake tricked two naked people into eating a piece of fruit that gave them the ability to distinguish good from evil. The all knowing, all seeing, all loving god of the universe was mad because the two people had done something evil and he held that against them even though they had no way of knowing it was evil before they ate the fruit that gave them the knowledge of good and evil. For some reason God decided that every single person alive had inherited the guilt for this horrendous crime and spent several thousand years throwing his toys out of the pram before realizing that the only way to forgive the entirety of mankind for the breaking the rules he created was to sacrifice himself to himself and so he embarked on a flamboyant BDSM execution ritual that if historically accurate- which it's not- could be described as the original and still most pretentious example of performance art. Now his followers celebrate this suicidal publicity stunt by devouring wine and crackers that were turned into flesh and blood by man in a dress. And that’s just the main plot. You should see some of the Wiseau-level subplots and wildly tangential derivations in the Bible like the part where God wrestles with a dude but runs away after being hit with a piece of foreskin or the part where he instructs his followers to be tied up next to a pile of burning dung or the part where he snuffs out all the babies in a city except for the ones in houses that have lamb’s blood painted over the doors because, you know, the all knowing creator of the universe needed to be reminded of which ones not to kill. And who can forget that wild acid trip at the end?
Look, Alt-Right, just because the tall tales of a group of desert nomads got spread across Europe at the point of a sword during the Dark Ages doesn’t make them any less nutty than what goes on in Pagan circles. Stop acting like your own pile of burning dung doesn’t stink. But more so, conduct yourself with some goddamn dignity and don’t ruin any semblance of credibility you have left by channeling the PTL church ladies of yesteryear. Try using facts and reasoning rather than panicked, fear mongering sensationalism. You know, the very thing you chide the outrage culture on the left for doing.
So you’re deeply disturbed and offended by pictures of mock human sacrifices and people babbling incoherently while wallowing in blood? Congratulations- now you know how I felt watching Passion of the Christ.
If anything positive can be gleaned from this it’s that the Alt-Right now reeks of desperation. Bizarre performance art they don’t understand is clearly proof of a worldwide Satanic conspiracy and unidentified posters on imageboards are claiming to be insiders that are teaching us how to read the secret code for the hidden meanings from seemingly innocuous emails. Someone asking a high ranking government official if they want pizza or tacos is really code for the choice selection at a human trafficking sex ring. Yeah- raving about such lunacy is really the behavior of a constituency that’s confident in what lies ahead for their agenda.
What’s amazing is that the Alt-Right has spent the last couple of years putting out the notion that they’re the ones who respect freedom of speech and the free expression of ideas and the indulgence of graphic entertainment no matter how disturbing- the feelings of delicate offense takers be damned- until it gets out that someone they don’t like might have an affinity for art that’s an affront to their values. Then they reveal their true colors- that they are no better than the PC police on the left.
But what really burns me, Alt-Right, is that you had a narrow window where you could have offered us all something better. For a few short months earlier this year the American populace was looking out across a bitterly unappealing electoral landscape and you could have risen up and offered an intellectually highbrow candidate that could challenge the status quo and prove everyone on the left wrong about you. Instead you went with the orange Teletubby and now you’re left in the final days of the election cycle furiously masturbating to distract everyone from the fact that you’ve lost control of your bowels.
If nothing else, the spirit cooking scandal reveals that the Alt-Right is not anything terribly new and exciting to transplant contemporary conservatism. Instead it’s just more of the same- and the fact that they had to resurrect the Satanic Panic of the 1980’s is proof of that.
And, lastly, some advice for InfoWars founder Alex Jones:
- You of all people don’t need to be making fun of the way other people talk.
- Get over Bohemian Grove. It’s just Burning Man for rich people.
- If you think Gary Johnson is a sociopath but Donald Trump is not, then sir I do not believe you are as good at identifying the reptilians as you think you are.
Kind regards,
-Jordan
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