Sunday, December 4, 2016

Electoral Boogaloo

Electoral Boogaloo

  By Jordan Owen

©2016

 The electoral college has been a topic of mass discussion as of late, considering that the American people have had to come face to face with the reality that the candidate who did not get the most votes is now our president-elect.  I myself have called the institution into question in recent days and, like so many, I have received a number of unintentionally condescending responses from well meaning commenters who seem to think I don’t know how the electoral college works.  Actually, no- I’m quite aware of how it works or, more precisely, how it doesn’t.  It’s an outdated system written to accommodate voters who arrived at polling locations via horse drawn cart.


 Here’s a few of the more common defenses I’ve heard of the electoral college:


 The electoral college reflects the views of the majority of Americans because if it wasn’t in place the candidates would campaign differently and still affect the same outcome. 


 You have absolutely no way of knowing what the outcome would be if the candidates campaigned differently.


 The electoral college is important because it gives the smaller states a voice!


 No it doesn’t. If you wanted all the states to be represented equally then every state plus the district of Columbia should have ONE electoral vote.  Fifty-one votes means no chance of a tie and no battleground states.


 The popular vote doesn't matter because three million illegal votes were cast!


 You have absolutely no evidence for that except a tweet by Donald Trump. If that's all he needs to convince you then he's going to have a breeze of a time setting up Muslim extermination camps. Also, three million illegal votes would necessitate a reevaluation of the electoral vote as well.


 If the electoral college wasn’t in place the candidates would just campaign in high-population areas and ignore the smaller outlying areas.


 This is bunk for two reasons- one, the candidates ALREADY only focus on heavily populated areas.  I don’t remember Trump or Clinton doing any rallies in Monowi, Nebraska. Second, let me remind you that our electoral process no longer caters to the needs of people who are likely to die of dysentery on the way to the polls.  We have this magical thing called the internet that through some sort of highfalutin’ city boy witchcraft is able to carry information from all over the earth into our living rooms.  And possibly other rooms if your provider isn’t Comcast.  I did not attend a single political rally in the entire 2016 election cycle and I was still able to figure out who I wanted to vote for.  Yet somehow I’m still treated like a centuries old hillbilly with an adam’s apple that matches his nose who has hobbled up to the voting booth barefoot and reeking of the methane of multiple species.  


 The electoral college was established to protect us from the tyranny of the majority!


 Okay, this argument actually has some legs. The libertarian in me would agree that we have to have certain government institutions in place to protect the rights of the individuals from being ganged up on by the majority.  But what purpose does kneecapping the majority vote in the presidential election actually serve?  Why is it more noble for the minority to be able to gang up on the majority than vice-a-versa?  What’s the point of having the election in the first place if the candidate with the most votes is blocked from winning out of principle?


 This country is called the United States of America, not “America.” We have to respect states rights!


 Ah yes- state's’ rights.  The two words bandied about 150 years ago by those pretentious enough to think that they could put an intellectual veneer on their defense of owning people as property.  If that’s really how you feel, why are these states united at all? Let’s just dissolve the union and remodel this portion of the continent as a series of tiny nations a’la Europe- you know, the thing that conservatives purport to be protecting the US from becoming.  And that’s where I have one of many, many bones to pick with modern conservatism. Conservatives want us to be safe from the federal government- it’s much better when the government denying us our rights is a smaller, more manageable state level tyranny.  Trust me, as a Georgia resident it’s nice to have an entity that can overrule the decisions of the low-watt bulbs that make up our local legislature.  


 Bill Maher is right to say that “states rights” is code for taking away rights. A state is an abstract concept based on population distributions and has no rights in any kind of human sense of the word.  Proper conservatives, like Margaret Thatcher, for example, are spot on in saying that societies do not have rights and do not exist- only individuals exist and can have rights. If you doubt the axiomatic truth of that concept then try having a society without individuals- it cannot be done. Without individuals to convene in agreement on a set of principles you cannot have a society- only wilderness.  The person who tells you that we must respect states’ rights cannot claim  to support the rights of the minority in the face of the majority and it is this contradiction that derails the already poorly maintained train of thought espoused by the amorphous glob of inanity that is contemporary conservatism.   Support for states rights amounts to saying “I am going to protect your individual rights from the collective will of hundreds of millions of people by allowing your individual rights to be overruled and violated by the collective will of tens of millions of people. See how much better that is?  And if you don’t like it you can go to another state because, after all, you’re just a poor field hand who can pack his belongings into a single hobo sack and hit the old dusty trail with a song in his heart, a thumb in the air, a wheat strand in his teeth and a wistful gleam in his eye.  It’s not like you’re a modern day resident of an affluent first world community that actually has family, friends and a career he’d rather not leave behind.  Hit the road you vagabond prince of American optimism- you’ll reach Califor-ny-yay and be playing your harmonica under the cool shade of orange groves before you know it.”


 Here’s another problem with that whole states rights thing- what if the only option is to go to another state but the other states- themselves protected by the maxim of states rights- have decided not to let in any outsiders?  Suddenly a lavish border wall designed by a pompous prick with a ballgina micropenis doesn’t seem like such a romantic thought after all.  


 But there is one practical use for the electoral college.  The founders of this country- themselves mostly secular, liberty minded members of the Hellfire Club- looked out across the vast expanse of drooling nitwits that made up the majority of voters and realized that it was entirely possible these impressionable souls- many of whom couldn’t find their asshole with both hands- would elect the very sort of tyrannical dictator they had just fought a bloody war to escape from.  As such the electoral college could deliberate and decide that the president-elect was unfit to hold office and vote accordingly.  I’m sure all of you electoral college enthusiasts will join me in hoping they vote for Clinton.


 Now if you’ll excuse me, my prize heffer has just given birth and I intend to give the calf to old mayor Jebidiah Conshohocken.  I’m hoping he’ll let me put my seed in his daughter the school marm as soon as I know how.


 Kind regards,

-Jordan


  Please support my work at http://www.patreon.com/jordanowen42


  Please also visit: Jordan Owen on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/jordanowen42

Jordan Owen on twitter: http://www.twitter.com/jordanowen42
Jordan Owen on DeviantArt: http://jordanowen.deviantart.com
Jordan Owen on Blogspot: http://www.jordanowen42.blogspot.com
Jordan Owen's novel: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Eros-Empire-Jordan-Owen/dp/1593933762 
Jordan Owen on soundcloud: http://www.soundcloud.com/Jordanowen42

  The band: http://www.reverbnation.com/leavingbabylon

No comments:

Post a Comment